Getting a bit personal

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I mean, I always have a lot on my mind--but these thoughts have been surrounding the same topic: discipleship.

I've been wondering about my dedication to the Lord. I go through the motions that would indicate that I'm a true disciple of Jesus Christ, but am I doing it with the intent to truly improve myself and draw closer to Him? Or am I doing it out of guilt because I know that those things are what I'm supposed to do?

I think I'm starting to realize that being in nursery is a tougher calling than most people think.  I'm with a little boy all week at home, I'm with 4-5 year olds at work and I spend Sundays with little 2 year olds.  My spiritual nourishment needs to come on my own because I don't get as many chances as I used to to fill my lamp with spiritual oil.  It's so easy to become complacent.

As a youth I found it easier to follow all the commandments.  Daily lessons in seminary, weekly activities and Sunday lessons were a great fortress for me to keep my heart in the right place.  I wanted to do the right thing and that is why I did it.  I followed the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet like the very definition of a Molly Mormon...and I was okay with that.  I was surrounded on a DAILY basis with friends who were all striving and working towards the same goals as me.

Being at home and work all day is so different.  We don't have that constant reinforcement that comes with positive peer pressure.  I really miss that.  I think we all need it.  Probably some more than others.

I've heard it said that if you look back on the happiest times of your life--it will be the times when you were the most righteous and steadfast in keeping the commandments.  This is so true! I want to be happy, I think we all do.  So why do we let stupid things get in the way of our happiness? Is it worth it? Obviously not.

Stephen R. Covey says:

The commitment to become a disciple of Christ is an unconditional one of "heart, might, mind and strength" (D&C 4:2). It centers a person's life on Christ, making Jesus the supreme law-giver, the frame of reference through which all else is viewed. Christ's influence then begins to direct a person's words, acts, and even thoughts, enabling that individual to become a partaker of the divine nature (2 Pet. 1:4), line upon line, precept upon precept.

I can honestly say that I put more effort into worldly things than in trying to draw closer to God. Often times I think sins of omission are worse than we think they are.  In the daily grind it's hard for me to keep an eternal perspective.  If only I could remember what life is really about.  It's hard for me to remember that the little decisions I make each day are the ones that add up to who I become.

I've been wondering about why I watch the TV shows I watch. It seems like there isn't even ONE single show that doesn't have some sort of innuendo or sexual reference to it. I've become acutely aware of the fact that the shows I enjoy aren't the shows they used to be...they have slowly and ever so cleverly become practically classless.  They use "casual swearing" that we've become so used to, it doesn't even phase us anymore. I remember getting home from my mission and just feeling sick when I heard people swear. I know some people say that missionaries need to "adjust" to being back home. But why shouldn't we just adjust to having the Spirit in our lives as strongly as they do? Why is it that they are the ones we assume need to change? I'm not saying that I've never sworn--because that would be a total lie, but especially after watching General Conference I'm realizing that it shows a lack of spiritual maturity on my part.

I've been wondering if the way I spend my time is contributing to or purging my ability to receive personal revelation...or to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost.  I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I need to be better and I will.