Decisions
I interrupt this slew of update posts to talk about stuff going on in our lives right this very second. I need to vent. Life is...interesting right now. We've been in limbo for a long time. We've made some big decisions and then changed our minds. We've tried to fit into a mold that just doesn't fit us as individuals and our strengths/weaknesses. I feel like we've talked and discussed everything that we could possibly talk about that will put us WHERE we are supposed to be. It doesn't feel like our prayers have been answered and it's been f-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-i-n-g. My anxiety has been really bad. Really, really bad. It's affecting me physically and making it hard to live daily life. Anxiety sucks.
I've started seeing a chiropractor and I'm hoping that will help with my muscle spasms. Side note: from the x-rays he took, apparently my spine is bending the wrong direction at the top...that can't be helping things...
Anywho. Last week Danny and I made a decision after going back and forth for a while about it. We didn't feel like we were getting a "yes" or "no" so we just went with what we felt like was logical. Then it got to the point where I literally couldn't imagine it happening. I was freaking out about it. I guess that's our answer. It would just be so great to feel certain about something. Anything. I feel like after 10 years of marriage, we should be at a certain point in life. It's hard not to compare our situation to that of others who have been married about the same amount of time as us. Shouldn't we _________ or ___________ by now? That kind of thinking is NOT healthy and NOT helpful and makes us both feel like garbage so we're trying to re-train our brains. But it's hard. I guess what I'm saying is, we are still not sure where life is taking us. We just want to be happy and healthy and right now we're a little shaky in that department. Deep down inside I know things will work out because they somehow always do. I really believe that God has a plan for us and even though it may be very different than the plan that I may have had for myself or the plan that Danny used to envision for us--at some point, God's plan will be realized if we just hunker down, put our faith in Him, keep asking for help and do what we think is best.
I know I'm being kind of vague right now but that's how it needs to be for now :)
So many decisions to be made. And it's so overwhelming. If anyone wants to map out our lives that would be so great.
I've started seeing a chiropractor and I'm hoping that will help with my muscle spasms. Side note: from the x-rays he took, apparently my spine is bending the wrong direction at the top...that can't be helping things...
Anywho. Last week Danny and I made a decision after going back and forth for a while about it. We didn't feel like we were getting a "yes" or "no" so we just went with what we felt like was logical. Then it got to the point where I literally couldn't imagine it happening. I was freaking out about it. I guess that's our answer. It would just be so great to feel certain about something. Anything. I feel like after 10 years of marriage, we should be at a certain point in life. It's hard not to compare our situation to that of others who have been married about the same amount of time as us. Shouldn't we _________ or ___________ by now? That kind of thinking is NOT healthy and NOT helpful and makes us both feel like garbage so we're trying to re-train our brains. But it's hard. I guess what I'm saying is, we are still not sure where life is taking us. We just want to be happy and healthy and right now we're a little shaky in that department. Deep down inside I know things will work out because they somehow always do. I really believe that God has a plan for us and even though it may be very different than the plan that I may have had for myself or the plan that Danny used to envision for us--at some point, God's plan will be realized if we just hunker down, put our faith in Him, keep asking for help and do what we think is best.
I know I'm being kind of vague right now but that's how it needs to be for now :)
So many decisions to be made. And it's so overwhelming. If anyone wants to map out our lives that would be so great.
Comments
It is hard not to compare ourselves to others no doubt about it. Everyone does it, and it's the worst.
Right now in my church calling (i'm in r.s. presidency) i'm in front of people all of the time. it's hard not to feel judged and that I am disappointing people all of the time. and yet sometimes people will come up to me and act like I probably enjoy it with my "outgoing" personality. they think it's a joke when i tell them that I am actually an introvert and that it is a struggle for me to reach out of my comfort zone and try to do so many things in such a public way.
but this year my new year's goal has been to establish healthy relationships--especially focusing on boundaries. so far this has been pretty hard for me as it can sometimes have the unexpected effect of making people not like you (because you are actually taking care of yourself, your family, etc. and often saying no more often than you would have before if you're a people pleaser like me). It has been difficult, but putting those boundaries in place mentally are helping me to not compare myself as much, because I am focusing instead on where I am and what I am feeling and the root causes. all those people that think they know me/are judging me in r.s.? well they don't. and the people that do know me, love me. it's the same for you. anyone that knows you and your story--your past, your heartaches and frustrations, they are on your side. don't let comparison rob your joy. you're such an awesome person. it doesn't take you "fitting into the mold" to accomplish that. you already have accomplished that, probably because you don't fit.
this was a big long rambling comment that didn't make all that much sense probably because I'm the only commenter and I felt like it. :) love you rae