What I feel
These kind of posts are probably boring to some of you but for the sake of this being a future scrapbook/journal of mine--I feel it's OK to share some things that I'm thinking about. In no particular order:
I'm feeling really blessed to be where we are. Not necessarily physical location (although, I feel very blessed to be here too), but I feel like looking back at my life, I always had "a plan". I like to have a plan. I like lists. I like to feel like I'm accomplishing things and not just gliding through life with no purpose. When Danny and I got married I remember looking at him across the altar and visualizing what our lives would be like. It was like a flash of a desired outcome. Of course I wanted the typical things: a perfect marriage, lots of kids, a nice home, awesome jobs, financial stability and comfortably meeting our challenges head on full of faith and patience. Of course life is full of surprises. VERY quickly, we learned that we are not in the driver's seat of this mortal experience. I believe we have a say in our destination, we just don't get to drive the route we'd like to take (the quickest, easiest and with the best scenery). I honestly cannot believe what Danny and I have been through in just 5 years. Five teeny little years. There are things I would do again in a nanosecond and things I wouldn't even dream of doing again. There are places I'm so glad we've been and places I'm sorry we missed out on. But at the end of the day, I'm with who I am supposed to be with. I'm where I'm supposed to be. Cole and Danny are my world. I cannot imagine living without them. It makes me sad just to think about it. We are in a good place. We're progressing, we're learning and most of all--we're doing it together.
I'm feeling the pains that come with not being able to add to our family. I know there are a lot of people who deal with infertility and I always imagined that it would be hard for me to have kids (I'm not sure why...I just always had this feeling that I would). So Cole was a HUGE surprise for us. That feeling just kind of floated away after Cole was born because I figured we were in the clear. Unfortunately, that feeling has crept back into my mind. I want Cole to have a sibling and to have a little playmate. I wish I didn't have to feel let down so frequently when I think I might be pregnant...and then I'm not. It's an awful feeling. My heart is torn between knowing that the Lord's plan is the right plan, and thinking that "it's not fair".
I've been thinking a lot about how even though I think I don't compare myself to others, I DO...and it makes me crazy (literally). I wish I had the creative minds that some people have. I'd love to be naturally gifted with music or dancing. I want to know how to garden, sew, can peaches, make homemade meals from food storage or have an eye for art and an appreciation for things that apparently bore me :) Sometimes I feel like my life is so fast paced but I'm not doing much. I keep myself busy, but with what? Yeah--I got my visiting teaching done this month and I got dinner made and did some laundry...but what did I contribute to the world? Did I increase my education or continue learning a new skill? Nope. That is a frustrating feeling. On my computer monitor I had this little note that said "Slow Down". It was there for several years and has been replaced with "Plan Ahead". Both very good and important things that I need to work on. I need to slow down and "smell the roses" as they say and plan ahead. I need to make time to learn new things and block out the distractions that are keeping me from my goals. Easier said than done...I know.
To end this on a positive note, I am feeling very grateful for the little things. The often over-looked things. Here are just a few that I'm thinking about:
running water
plumbing
my wedding ring
swimming pools
summer BBQs
hysterical comments by Cole
thoughtful gestures by Danny
the sound of kids laughing
rain
digital cameras
cell phones
rainbows
friends
tissues
the ensign
health insurance
nail clippers
flashlights
aloe vera
carpet
ear phones
disney land
road trips
danny's laugh
ergo keyboards
30 rock
usb hubs
music
and too many more to mention. I think I'd better get some sleep...I start to chatter on like a crazy woman without my sleep :)
I'm feeling really blessed to be where we are. Not necessarily physical location (although, I feel very blessed to be here too), but I feel like looking back at my life, I always had "a plan". I like to have a plan. I like lists. I like to feel like I'm accomplishing things and not just gliding through life with no purpose. When Danny and I got married I remember looking at him across the altar and visualizing what our lives would be like. It was like a flash of a desired outcome. Of course I wanted the typical things: a perfect marriage, lots of kids, a nice home, awesome jobs, financial stability and comfortably meeting our challenges head on full of faith and patience. Of course life is full of surprises. VERY quickly, we learned that we are not in the driver's seat of this mortal experience. I believe we have a say in our destination, we just don't get to drive the route we'd like to take (the quickest, easiest and with the best scenery). I honestly cannot believe what Danny and I have been through in just 5 years. Five teeny little years. There are things I would do again in a nanosecond and things I wouldn't even dream of doing again. There are places I'm so glad we've been and places I'm sorry we missed out on. But at the end of the day, I'm with who I am supposed to be with. I'm where I'm supposed to be. Cole and Danny are my world. I cannot imagine living without them. It makes me sad just to think about it. We are in a good place. We're progressing, we're learning and most of all--we're doing it together.
I'm feeling the pains that come with not being able to add to our family. I know there are a lot of people who deal with infertility and I always imagined that it would be hard for me to have kids (I'm not sure why...I just always had this feeling that I would). So Cole was a HUGE surprise for us. That feeling just kind of floated away after Cole was born because I figured we were in the clear. Unfortunately, that feeling has crept back into my mind. I want Cole to have a sibling and to have a little playmate. I wish I didn't have to feel let down so frequently when I think I might be pregnant...and then I'm not. It's an awful feeling. My heart is torn between knowing that the Lord's plan is the right plan, and thinking that "it's not fair".
I've been thinking a lot about how even though I think I don't compare myself to others, I DO...and it makes me crazy (literally). I wish I had the creative minds that some people have. I'd love to be naturally gifted with music or dancing. I want to know how to garden, sew, can peaches, make homemade meals from food storage or have an eye for art and an appreciation for things that apparently bore me :) Sometimes I feel like my life is so fast paced but I'm not doing much. I keep myself busy, but with what? Yeah--I got my visiting teaching done this month and I got dinner made and did some laundry...but what did I contribute to the world? Did I increase my education or continue learning a new skill? Nope. That is a frustrating feeling. On my computer monitor I had this little note that said "Slow Down". It was there for several years and has been replaced with "Plan Ahead". Both very good and important things that I need to work on. I need to slow down and "smell the roses" as they say and plan ahead. I need to make time to learn new things and block out the distractions that are keeping me from my goals. Easier said than done...I know.
To end this on a positive note, I am feeling very grateful for the little things. The often over-looked things. Here are just a few that I'm thinking about:
running water
plumbing
my wedding ring
swimming pools
summer BBQs
hysterical comments by Cole
thoughtful gestures by Danny
the sound of kids laughing
rain
digital cameras
cell phones
rainbows
friends
tissues
the ensign
health insurance
nail clippers
flashlights
aloe vera
carpet
ear phones
disney land
road trips
danny's laugh
ergo keyboards
30 rock
usb hubs
music
and too many more to mention. I think I'd better get some sleep...I start to chatter on like a crazy woman without my sleep :)
Comments
I wanted to tell you that I think you are an incredible person with a great attitude...much greater than mine.
A few thoughts....I have had type one diabetes my whole life and was told by EVERYONE not to expect that kids were in my future, and if they were it would be by adoption ( GOD bless it)...
So, I had that hanging over my head, and still do. Of course, I grow up and see what feels like everything happeneing to everyone else but me.
It never felt that everything came at the same, worst possible time. Just when I got the news I was NOT pregnant I hear another one of my friends who already has five kids is expecting yet another.
It was hard not to be bitter ( you are much better than me). The worst one for me was when my friend who had four kids was complaining about not being able to get pregnant --ARE YOU SERIOUS? At the time, I would kill for one.
I have learned this problem is on an even bigger scale than anyone will admit. It haunts so many people--but somehow we just hear about people never having problems.
I don't like the misery of others, but it made me feel a little better to know I was not alone with this problem and there are actually more people out there who want to have kids and can't then those that do.
I don't think it is because some people make better parents or they deserve more blessings so they have children easily. I don't think there is an answer to that. Some people can cope with the stress of conceiving a child better.
Whenever I get down, I force myself to think of what I have been blessed with. A beautiful daughter that many would kill for.
My hubby and I went to the doctor ( have been going for forever it feels like) and I told him I would do whatever it took to get pregnant again (then made up my mind that I would just be grateful for the angel I have been given and she just might be too perfect to have any more)...
Through alot of efforts, drugs and advising--we just found out we are pregnant. I tell you this cuase I know it is possible...ANYTHING is..
It may take years and lots of consultations--but don't give up. I know you won't . You have an amazing son and you know it. Know that many are in your shoes and cheering you on and it will happen--just keep that attitude up!!!
You are the best. I hope this wasn't too much. Just something close to my heart that I thought you might want to hear.
I must be channeling Rae lately. Your post seems to speak my language lately. I totally feel that "what am I doing to contribute to the world" feeling. Though you say you wish you could be naturally talented as others you see, I think you need to step back and look at yourself. You are AMAZING! You have a great sense of humor, a great attitude, you have a talent for blogging, you are a wonderful mother, you have a great testimony and an incredible spirit about you and so much more! It is satan that wants you to compare and not see what HF has blessed YOU with. I'm so glad that your life has led you to our neighborhood and ward. You are a great friend and I'm glad you're here. Love ya!
At the end of the day, you may not feel like you have given much to the world... but you do not know how many people you touch and/or influence!
There are times when I read your blog and a small phrase will touch me in such a deep way, it will change my thought process or help me to look at something that is on my mind in a different way...
That is what some of your rants do for me... They are healthy and help some of us who maybe aren't so good with the written word...
You are a beautful woman with many wonderful blessings! Your young and vibrant and have so much just waiting to begin...
I really hope that you are able to get your next baby soon. My brother and his wife have only been able to have one little girl and are now hoping to adopt through foster care. It has been a painful journey for them, but they (like you) are handling it with such grace and aplomb. Well this comment is way too long. I am just so proud to call you my friend--you have such a way of expressing yourself! love ya
Love you Rae!
I love that you take the time to appreciate the smell of Gain. Honestly, I haven't done that.
After my last miscarriage I had some struggles. I remember telling my mom that I would rather not get pregnant ever again than to go through that pain/loss. I felt a lot like you do now. I wanted to cry everytime Jayben would ask me who was going to play trains with him. Feeling like it was my fault he didn't have a playmate. But I know you can't blame yourself. Things happen for a reason and it's definitely not always part of MY plan but it's always part of HIS!
Hang in there. You are and will be blessed in more ways than you know!
For the record, I have ALWAYS wanted to be as funny/cool as you.
And I love 30 rock, too.
I think I am finally crawling out of a long, hard year. Three miscarriages totally sucked and sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions. I found it really difficult to express my emotions because everything sucked so badly-- but at the same time it made me more grateful for all that I had. Anyway, I feel for you and wish you the best. That little Cole you have is one cutie-pie. He is lucky to have such great parents. Hang in there and know that you are loved.