Getting Personal

I've been debating about whether or not to even mention this on our blog because it is something that is the source of a lot of pain for me but I feel like there is someone out there who could read from it...and be strengthened by it. Even just a little. 

Danny and I have been trying to have more children for over 4 years. A few months ago, we finally got to a place where we were able to afford getting a fertility procedure done and we were thrilled. Everything went very smoothly. The hormones that I was taking didn't make me too crazy, the injections weren't too bad (I have plenty of fatty tissue in my stomach, thanks) and each doctor appointment seemed very positive and hopeful. The one warning we were given was that if this procedure didn't work--it wouldn't be worth doing again. We would need to go straight to IVF after this.  That was daunting because IVF is very expensive so obviously we didn't want to have to go that route.

I asked for prayers from close friends and family and I know many people were fasting on our behalf as well. I was given a blessing and the day of the procedure went smoothly. My ultrasound had proven that up to this point, everything was picture perfect. My body reacted beautifully to the hormone injections and since I had carried a baby before, we were extremely hopeful that this would work. We just needed a little extra help this time around and we were finally getting it.

Then came the waiting game. They said "wait two weeks, take a pregnancy test and call us if it comes back positive". Easy enough. The first week I felt very optimistic and excited. I had started visualizing things and preparing myself for the sick feelings that would undoubtedly accompany the first trimester of pregnancy. After about a week my prayers wen't from "please let this happen" to "please prepare me for the outcome" because I started feeling worried. I am usually a very optimistic person but it just didn't feel right...in fact one time when someone said "with you being due in December..." and I found myself immediately wishing that they hadn't said that. It was too painful to hear that potential date because nothing was going to be happening in December in regards to having a baby. I could just feel it. I held on to the tiniest shred of hope but could feel Heavenly Father preparing me for the answer I didn't want to get. I knew. I just knew.

Two weeks ago, I woke up and knew that I was definitely not pregnant. It didn't work. It was a total waste of money, time, effort, excitement, hope, faith, and positive energy.  Or was it?

The first 24 hours of the officialness was basically me just crying in bed. Didn't want to go to work, couldn't talk to anyone, didn't care about anything and wondered what I did wrong. I followed all the doctor's orders, I have gone off the medication they told me to go off of, I have prayed, read my scriptures, believed, had faith and so had many other people. Didn't I deserve this blessing? All I've ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. A righteous desire, so why was it being withheld from me? I don't need nice things, a fancy house with an expensive car and lots of high end clothing. I just want to be a Mom. Why are irresponsible 14 year old girls able to get pregnant when I can't? I asked (and still do sometimes) the question you just shouldn't ever ask yourself..."why me?" or in my case, "why NOT me?"

I have to say that even though even writing this chokes me up and makes me feel sad, I also feel a sense of love and comfort. I have had so many acts of kindness shown to me both before the actual procedure and after our sad announcement. With friends letting me know they were praying for us, flowers on my doorstep, kind words and acts of kindness I have felt Heavenly Father, reaching His arms around me to lift me and comfort me. I have felt His Angels (who I call friends, sisters, Mother, visiting teachers, family and in-laws) showing me their love and concern. Crying alongside me, and listening to the small promptings of the Holy Ghost. I know without a doubt that each of these people whether they realized it or not were acting on behalf of God. Showing me the love that He knows I need. The Spirit has testified to me that I have married the right man. Danny has shouldered a heavy burden as well. He has had to let me hang on him when he, himself was very disappointed and sad. I know that he is the one God always intended for me. Our union was orchestrated long before we came to earth and I thank God every day that I get to call him mine.

Artwork by Simon Dewey

Days go on and people want to know our plans. I'd like to know our plan too. It's not an easy one to make. Lots of things need to happen before we can forge ahead with IVF. It needs to be a decision we make because it's the right one, not just because the doctor told us to do it. So here we are sitting in limbo, trying to get through the days and feel joy for others who truly deserve it and not let the sadness damper all the blessings we DO have. It's a humbling process, especially because even though I don't understand how--The Savior has also carried this burden. He has felt this sorrow and this void. He has felt the devastation and anguish that makes my heart feel too heavy to bare.

I have no idea what God has in store for our little family but I have to say that I cannot deny the healing power of the Atonement. The overwhelming peace and pure LOVE that I feel when I am close to the Spirit and have an eternal perspective. I do believe that this experience along with so many others, has brought me closer to my Redeemer, Jesus Christ. He lives! He is aware of me and what my heart needs. He gives me strength when I have none and carries me when I cannot carry myself.

 I love Him. So much. 

Artwork by Simon Dewey