Feeling grateful
The worst part of moving for me is the packing, organizing, de-cluttering and all that pre-move junk. It's a necessary evil and it's hard enough when you feel good so the past several weeks have been torturous. But that's another topic...
Last night, I was going through several folders of "to be filed, shredded, scanned", etc. when I came across a stack of papers for the Reproductive Care Center. Receipts, instructions, calendars and flyers on everything related to fertility care. I sorted through hundreds and HUNDREDS of dollars worth of receipts, instructions on how to take my shots, calendars on what days to take which pill and the ominous flyer about IVF. So many prayers, tears and dollars went into that time of our lives. We drained our savings on trying to have another little one. We were devastated when nothing seemed to work. Life just wasn't fair. So many people in my life were getting pregnant and my heart broke a little more each time it wasn't happening for us. It's hard to explain how it was possible to be simultaneously happy for someone else but devastated for myself each time we'd hear the happy news that someone else was expecting. It's such a spectrum of emotions and eventually we got to the point where I needed a break. It was just too much. Then last summer I started having random health issues that led to me seeing my witch doctor. I believe that my body was extremely unbalanced. There was a long road ahead and little by little we started seeing improvements but my body was not in a good place. Then November hit and I was blind sighted by what happened then.
Through all of that drama and heartache, I knew deep down inside that our family wasn't complete. I never really gave up the hope of having another child but I knew the Lord's timing was different from mine and that I was struggling to get "in sync" with His timeline. I had to hand it all over to the Lord because clearly I wasn't handling things well.
I still struggle with understanding the Lord's will for me sometimes. But as I happily got rid of all the paperwork related to the fertility treatments, I was reminded of the miracles right in front of my face. Val blogged about a friend of hers who lost her baby on Mother's Day. There were complications with the birth and the baby didn't survive. It broke my heart. I know there are harder things than having back/neck pain during pregnancy. I hoped this pregnancy would be easier than my pregnancy with Cole's but even though it hasn't been--OH WELL and BOO HOO. The Lord knows what He is doing. I have so much to be thankful for. I still sometimes feel like it's a dream that I am really pregnant and worry that someday I will wake up and be heartbroken. According to the last 3 ultrasounds--it's legit. :) Every prayer that I say includes being thankful for our miracle. How else do you explain us getting pregnant when I ovulate twice a year? I know that every baby is a miracle but I feel like Cole and baby # 2 are very, very unique miracles sent from Heaven. I hope I never taken either of them for granted.
So, while I pack boxes in pain and whine to myself about my frequent bathroom breaks, heartburn and slowly gaining my 30 pounds back, I'm going to remember that thank heavens I am pregnant with a miracle from above.
Last night, I was going through several folders of "to be filed, shredded, scanned", etc. when I came across a stack of papers for the Reproductive Care Center. Receipts, instructions, calendars and flyers on everything related to fertility care. I sorted through hundreds and HUNDREDS of dollars worth of receipts, instructions on how to take my shots, calendars on what days to take which pill and the ominous flyer about IVF. So many prayers, tears and dollars went into that time of our lives. We drained our savings on trying to have another little one. We were devastated when nothing seemed to work. Life just wasn't fair. So many people in my life were getting pregnant and my heart broke a little more each time it wasn't happening for us. It's hard to explain how it was possible to be simultaneously happy for someone else but devastated for myself each time we'd hear the happy news that someone else was expecting. It's such a spectrum of emotions and eventually we got to the point where I needed a break. It was just too much. Then last summer I started having random health issues that led to me seeing my witch doctor. I believe that my body was extremely unbalanced. There was a long road ahead and little by little we started seeing improvements but my body was not in a good place. Then November hit and I was blind sighted by what happened then.
Through all of that drama and heartache, I knew deep down inside that our family wasn't complete. I never really gave up the hope of having another child but I knew the Lord's timing was different from mine and that I was struggling to get "in sync" with His timeline. I had to hand it all over to the Lord because clearly I wasn't handling things well.
I still struggle with understanding the Lord's will for me sometimes. But as I happily got rid of all the paperwork related to the fertility treatments, I was reminded of the miracles right in front of my face. Val blogged about a friend of hers who lost her baby on Mother's Day. There were complications with the birth and the baby didn't survive. It broke my heart. I know there are harder things than having back/neck pain during pregnancy. I hoped this pregnancy would be easier than my pregnancy with Cole's but even though it hasn't been--OH WELL and BOO HOO. The Lord knows what He is doing. I have so much to be thankful for. I still sometimes feel like it's a dream that I am really pregnant and worry that someday I will wake up and be heartbroken. According to the last 3 ultrasounds--it's legit. :) Every prayer that I say includes being thankful for our miracle. How else do you explain us getting pregnant when I ovulate twice a year? I know that every baby is a miracle but I feel like Cole and baby # 2 are very, very unique miracles sent from Heaven. I hope I never taken either of them for granted.
So, while I pack boxes in pain and whine to myself about my frequent bathroom breaks, heartburn and slowly gaining my 30 pounds back, I'm going to remember that thank heavens I am pregnant with a miracle from above.
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